Don't beat up yourself

I woke up this morning upset because I had allowed someone to get under my skin and into my spirit. I couldn't get the situation off of my mind, and as a result I started my day in the wrong mind set. As I journeyed to the bus stop still thinking about how this person had pissed me off, I hear this lady yelling and cursing at the top of her lungs. I began to walk faster trying to get around the corner to see who was receiving and giving this brutal tongue lashing. When I arrived to the bus stop, I found the frantic lady yelling, but she was there alone. I then realized that she was cursing out herself, and so I smiled... and i thought that people beat me up enough. It makes no sense to beat up myself. So, I let go of the thing that had upset me, and I told myself that today was in fact going to be a good day.

Lessons learned while walking

Living in LA with no car has been a humbling experience. Although riding the bus and walking is not my idea of a good time, I am actually grateful for this time with no wheels. This with-out-a-car experience has taught me a few life lessons and has also helped me remember some lessons I learned a while back.

Lessons like getting up early every morning running - or in my case walking. The buses are crowded in the morning and everyone is trying to get to work. If I don't get to the bus stop early, there may not be room for me to ride. We all know that missing the bus or being left out in life is no fun, so I make sure that I'm up early every morning power-walking, because the bus waits on no one.

Lessons like being faithful over a little. Every morning on my walk to the bus stop I tell God that I may not have a car at the moment, but I thank you for these shoes.

Lessons like being grateful and counting your blessings. Every day I look into the faces of people on the bus who just look tired and beaten down by life. I always wonder "what's his story?" or "where has she been?" Then I think that some of these people may have never even owned a car. Maybe riding the bus is all they ever knew. At lease, I knew something different. I knew the feeling of driving my own car, and I'll know it again. I am grateful for that.

Lessons like being hungry enough to walk. I think back to the summer of 2006 when I was interning in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with no car. Everyday I depended on my supervisor to take me to lunch. One day she decided not to go to lunch, and so I starved (not literately of course.) When lunch time came around the next day and my supervisor was no where to be found, I decided that I would take matters into my own hands, and I walked two miles in the summer heat - in a suit - to find something to eat. I remember my co-workers saying they couldn't believe I walked. The walk was uncomfortable of course, but my hunger was stronger than the heat. When you are really hungry for something in life, you'll do things that others won't do, but in the end you'll receive the greater reward.

Life's journey is full of messages and lessons. Things that we can grow and prosper from if we simply take the time to look and appreciate what God is trying to tell us and what he's trying to teach us. I think that maybe discomfort, hardships, and trials are simply courses in life that God has enrolled us in. Some take the time to learn - others complain about how hard the course is. It's up to you to learn the lesson which will ultimately prepare you for the test. No one said the test will be easy, but if you pay attention in class, you will be prepared.

FOREVER AN I-G!

Now that I am away from FAMU, I am really starting to utilize and appreciate the lessons I learned while on the hill. I have heard many alumni who proceeded me talk about life after FAMU - they say that once you're gone you'll appreciate the trials and tribulations that FAMU brought upon you, because it makes you stronger. It prepares you to compete against the best the world has to offer. I realize now that these alumni are undeniably right, and as I think about the lessons that I took away from FAMU, the one that I am utilizing the most at this time in my life is the importance of I-G'ing.

At FAMU when you become interested in a greek organization you become an "I-G." I remember the days before I became an Alpha and how I wanted to be apart of this organization so bad. I remember dreaming about it, and I was willing to sacrifice, work hard, and go the extra mile to secure my spot in Alpha Land. Although Alpha Phi Alpha is a non-pledging and non-hazing organization, in my mind there was no such thing as calling too much or being overly persistent. I had to be tenacious. I had to prove that I wanted it severely!

Needless-to-say I became an Alpha, and I proudly wear the letters across my chest. Although I've crossed over to the other side, and I've obtained the rights and privileges of being apart of a black greek letter organization, I still consider myself an I-G. These days I'm simply I-G'ing to another organization - the film industry.

So, I am taking the same desire, the same persistence, the same tenacity, and the same determination that I used in my pursuit to become an Alpha, and I'm applying them to my new goal. I am realizing that I have to go to events so my face will be known. I am willing to call a contact 10 times even though they never answer, and I will still have the courage to call back again. I won't forget that no one owes me anything, and it is a privilege to even be considered. I will remember that sleep is an option and excuses are tools of incompetence.

When I really think about it, I believe that I will forever be an I-G, because I will always be trying to get something that somebody else has. I will always be trying to achieve a goal that I have yet to accomplish. There is no time for complacency and mediocrity as a standard is unacceptable. I have to be tight and thorough at all time, because you never know when the train is going to come - and I'll be damned if I let it pass me by.

I learned to let go

For the past two years I’ve been working on an independent television drama series in Tallahassee that I became apart of when I auditioned and received a role on the cast during the first season of production. I honestly fell in love with the idea of becoming a filmmaker as a result of working on this project. I was excited when the director decided to go into production of a second season and asked me to write and produce for the show. We began working on the second season in January of this year and have been going non-stopped ever since.

Myself along with the other producers have sacrificed much to make sure the project is a success. I personally can reflect on many nights when I stayed up late writing an episode when I needed to be studying for a test I had in the morning. I can think back to four-hour rehearsals and weekends where my entire day was consumed with filming. I remember the phone calls and text messages I received from friends and frat brothers wanting to hang out, but I couldn’t because I was on set. Or even more recently paying for the season’s DVD’s with my credit card. This show along with the people involved had become a major part of my life. A part of my life that I enjoyed and nurtured simply because I wanted it to succeed; because I believed it had relevance and potential.

A few days ago I woke up and something inside of me was different. In my last post I wrote that internally I was preparing to move, but I was holding on to some things that I needed to let go of. Ever since I made the decision to move to Los Angeles, I’ve been leaning and completely trusting in God, because I knew that the only way I was going to make it was through his favor. I’ve been learning to listen to his voice and to be willing to go if he says go or to stay and be still if he says so.

I felt God saying let go of the TV show and the other film projects associated with it. At first I struggled with being able to do that. How could I let go of something that had been such a big part of my life? How could I completely give up a project that I had given my time, my money, and my energy to, and not except to receive the fruits of my labor? But, God said let it go, and so on Friday while riding with one of the cast members to attend a screening that was planned for the show in a town near Jacksonville, Florida, I decided to let it all go right then and there. We had stopped at a gas station, and before we could pull off I told the driver that I wasn’t going. He could take me back to Tallahassee or leave me at the gas station. It didn’t matter. He chose to take me back, and I explained to the executive producers that I could no longer be apart of the project. I didn’t expect them to understand my decision, but I did expect them to be angry. I guess they had a right to be. But, one thing that I’ve come to realize is that when God gives you something, it’s not for anyone else to understand. I had to follow peace, and so that is what I did.

I wish the show and everyone involved with it much success. Although some friendships have been broken as a result of my decision, I simply realized that it wasn’t my blessing, and God has something else for me. I will admit that it hurt to let go, but at least now I know that the thing inside of me that had fallen off is now back on its shelf.

Baggage or Blessings?

I woke up this morning and I felt like something had fallen off a shelf inside of me. Something was different in my spirit. I went on about my day in a subtle mood and was asked several times what was wrong with me and each time I responded "nothing," because honestly nothing was physically or even emotionally wrong with me. I was just in a different place.

Lately I've been asked how I feel about moving to LA in a few short weeks. When I really think about it, I don't feel any type of way. I'm not necessarily anxious or excited. I'm not particularly afraid or nervous. It almost feels natural - like this is what I've been expected to do. To be honest, i've been in no rush to get out of Tallahassee; However, today I felt for the first time that it was really time to go.

Some of those feelings could have come from me packing and moving things out of my apartment. I have to be out tomorrow by 3pm. As I stuffed things into my car and returned to my room to find more and more stuff, I begin to realize that everything wouldn't fit, and whatever I couldn't fit in my car couldn't go with me. I've already thrown away tons of stuff and donated more things to Goodwill than I ever have in my life, but I still needed to get rid of more stuff. I just had to much baggage. That's when it hit me.

I woke up this morning in a different place - in a different mood - because internally I knew it was time to move, and I also knew that I was trying to hold on to some things that I needed to let go. I simply had to much baggage, and my trip to LA wouldn't accommodate the extra weight. So, i decided today that it was okay to leave some of my old possessions behind. Some characters and story lines were good for this chapter, but for the new one I'm writing I need fresh material.

To the Dreamers - Keep your head up!

I'm sitting in front of my mac book slightly exhausted from spending two enervating hours online posting, updating, requesting, and uploading all in the name of Dreaming in Color. I realize that I've become my own marketing team, but I also recognize that if I don't market my product, no one else will. If I don't spend the time promoting Dreaming in Color, no one outside of my immediate circle will know that the film exist. So, I've given as much of myself as I can to make sure that she is successful. I mean she is my baby. If I don't nurture her, how will she grown to become strong and healthy?

I guess having a self-made product whether it be a film, an album, a mix-tape, a clothing line, a book, or a small business is really like having a child. When they're first born people will take notice and think the kid is cute. They'll congratulate you and buy a few packs of diapers to show their support. But, after that you're on your own. You have to raise that child through the good times and the bad times; through the triumphs and the defeats; through the criticism and rejection. Yet, just like a parent, no matter how frustrating or discouraging raising that child may seem, you're always going to love it because you birthed it.

So shout-outs to all of the entrepreneurs, visionaries, go getter, and moguls in the making. I know your money is low because you spent your last dime trying to get your product out. I know it's frustrating at times when you're trying to create your own demand but it seems as if no one loves you. I know it's hard raising this baby we call our dream, but in the words of late great Tupac Shakur "keep your head up."

Where there is fear

I read somewhere that where there is fear faith cannot exist; therefore, I’m forcing myself to push aside the fear of failure, the fear of defeat, the fear of rejection, the fear of homelessness… and I’m holding on to the only thing that is concretely definite in my decision to move to Los Angeles – my faith. Although I’ve run into my share of dream killers and naysayers and those who feel that I need to have every single detail planned and calculated before I make this move, I’ve decided to go anyway; Because, for me moving to LA means more than just chasing a dream. Yes, the move is rooted in my desire to be a filmmaker and actor, but lately it has grown to mean so much more. This move will be the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever had to make. I’ve asked myself the same questions that everyone else wants to know. How am I going to survive? How am I going to make this work? But, every time I allow those irresolute questions to invade my thoughts I hear God saying, “Will you trust me,” and my answer to him is “yes.”